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Wednesday, 26 December 2012

Scaffolding

Do you know what it's like to balance on top of a huge stack of carefully balanced scaffolding, which isn't really attached to anything and is dangerously wobbly, trying not to move too much in case you fall?
I do.
I live my life like this.
It's completely my fault of course, because I'm the one who built this dangerous structure. I'm balancing on a variety of different coping mechanisms, trying not to let them fail which could potentially send me over the edge.
It's a weird sort of place to be, on the edge of whatever you want to call it: sanity, normality, whatever. It's difficult to describe, but I'll do my best.
I feel unsteady, like I'm walking along on the edge of the kerb, like when you were a kid, balancing one foot precariously in front of the other as you tried to show off your impressive balancing skills. You have a knot in your stomach, because you know you're going to fall off at some point, and every now and then you have a serious wobble which makes your stomach leap up to your throat and back down again. It's fun, but it feels dangerous (probably due to then fast-moving traffic right next to you).
The feeling of being on that kerb isn't really all that pleasant, when you think about it, though for some reason you're still having fun - probably because of the adrenaline. It's normally seen as a good thing, adrenaline, but for me it's a problem because I react negatively to it. When I feel nervous and get that adrenaline rush we all get when we're nervous, I don't get a bit excited, I get anxious, and it builds until its out of control.
That's where the scaffolding comes in. Over time, I have built structures to try and cope with my negative reactions to adrenaline. Unfortunately, they have all proved unsuccessful and have lead to a complex build up of bad coping mechanisms. I am still trying to find a way to cope, using relaxation techniques, medication and hypnotherapy. So far, no good. I sit atop my pile of what I will bluntly refer to as crap, feeling pretty much, well, crap.
It's like, as I've said, being on edge. You feel nervous, with a tight chest and quickened breathing, which makes day-to-day activities difficult, like going out or seeing people. You don't want people to notice and leaving the safety of your home is a daunting prospect. It's a bit embarrassing, because you are literally shaking, which is just plain weird to be quite frank.
This can only be described as anxiety, which is something I struggle with daily. I've likened it to standing on a large unsteady structure, which is scaffolding in my mind. Just imagine being trapped up there alone, with no way down except to jump. Scary stuff, eh?
To make things worse, I am aware that the structure is not stable and it will eventually collapse and I will fall. It's not made of sturdy metal poles and planks of wood like normal scaffolding, it's made of all the things that I haven't dealt with in life, which have collected in a pile of wibbly-wobbly-shitty-crappy mess which will get on top of me eventually.
I can't be sure when this will happen, but I know it will.
All I can do is hope that when it does, there will be something there to catch me. It could be me, if I ever find a way to cope, but if not then maybe someone will be there. Any takers?


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