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Friday, 21 December 2012

The End of the World

Today is the alleged apocalypse.
So far there have been no signs of this. All seems normal.
Last night I dreamed I was part of an indigenous tribe in some unknown but tree-filled country. We live in a treehouse suspended on one singular rope, which was a very delicate setup and it was clear that we could fall at any time. We were under attack from an outside force, who threatened to destroy our civilisation. We rallied our troops and armed with bows and arrows, we fought to protect our home.
We won.
I like to think that this is somewhat of a mini prediction of my own. It just seems too unfair to end the world before Christmas, my favourite time of year.
Besides, negative thinking isn't going to get you anywhere - trust me.
But for a little while, for me until a bit further on in this post, let's imagine what the 'end of the world' might bring.
Disaster is the first thing we think of, usually of the natural kind like earthquakes and volcanoes. A vision of fire and smoke if typical of an apocalyptic scene.
Then we imagine the breakdown of civilisation as people rebel against systems in order to survive.
After this we imagine survivors and how they struggle and fight to keep their lives.
But who's to say that this traditional apocalypse is the one we'll get?
Perhaps disaster means something entirely different, or perhaps it's already begun.
There is plenty of wrong in our world, like hunger, war and extinction of species. These surely are signs of a failing world, which is what we expect from an apocalypse. What I'm trying to say is maybe we are already in an apocalypse but we just haven't realised or maybe can't accept it.

Away from all this doom and gloom and back to me me me!
I feel like I've been through my own personal apocalypse. It began with the disaster, or what is more commonly known as a nervous breakdown.
Now this sounds more serious than it actually is. A nervous breakdown can take many shapes and can entail a variety of things. For me it came as another bout of depression, with the addition of panic attacks. It was pretty scary to experience a panic attack for the first time properly. I've felt panicky before but this was new. I had no idea what was happening and basically thought I was going crazy.
The worst thing is not knowing what's happening, much like when a natural disaster happens. You are lost and don't know what it going on or when or if it will get better.
It feels like you are on the edge of sanity, like being on the very edge of a crumbling cliff-face and not knowing whether it will crumble beneath your feet or not. It's terrifying, to be quite honest, just like it would be to be caught in the middle of an earthquake or tornado or something similar. 
After being told it was a panic attack it became much more manageable, but that first month was scary as hell. 
Then there's the next stage, which is where you have to learn to live with the problem. You have to survive. It's like a big fight or struggle at first and you can't see how it's going to get better. But it does. Eventually. 
You don't really have a choice but to carry on. It's the hardest thing to do, carrying on when you don't know if things will get better. You aren't living, you are just being.
You start to question yourself, and change the way you think to try and get rid of the problem. But it never works. You can't give up though, because you've come so far already, so you battle yourself continuously trying to get through.

After this stage comes to aftermath. But I'm not there yet.
I'll let you know if I survive the end of the world.

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